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  1. I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
  2. All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. Charles M. Schulz
  3. Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke. Lynda Barry
  4. You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps. Rosanne Barr
  5. Love is a two-way street constantly under construction. Carroll Bryant
  6. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are. Will Ferrell
  7. I wanted to make it a really special Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV. Tracy Smith
  8. Love planted a rose, and the world turned sweet. Katharine Lee Bates
  9. I want to acquire you the way Facebook acquired Instagram. Happy Valentine’s Day!
  10. Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him. Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones’s Diary
  11. I married for love. But the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find your glasses cannot be ignored. Cameron Esposito
  12. If love is the answer, can you rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin
  13. Will you be my Valentine? That was a rhetorical question, you have no choice- we’re married.
  14. Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. Joan Crawford
  15. Happy unimaginative, consumerist-oriented and entirely arbitrary, manipulative and shallow interpretation of romance day.
  16. I don’t do Valentine’s Day. But I love half price chocolate day.
  17. I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner
  18. I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you. Dwight Schruite, The Office
  19. You suck less than most people.
  20. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in. Richard Jeni
  21. A man without a woman is a bachelor. A woman without a man is a genius.
  22. Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller
  23. Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone. Lewis Black
  24. There is nobody else I’d rather lie in bed and look at my phone next to. Happy Valentine’s Day!
  25. Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. George Burns
  26. You are never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread. Mike Primavera
  27. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature. Jane Austen
  28. If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. Fran Lebowitz
  29. Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that. Michael Leunig
  30. I love you because you are almost exactly like me and I’m the best.
  31. Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Robert Frost
  32. Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. Albert Einstein
  33. The only thing worse than a boy who hates you: a boy that loves you. Markus Zusak, The Book Tief
  34. Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Frida Kahlo
  35. That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else. Jim Baker, Sixteen Candles
  36. If grass can grow through cement, love can find you every times. Cher
  37. Love is being stupid together. Paul Valery
  38. Only once in your life I truly believe you find someone who can completely turn your world around. Bob Marley
  39. I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me! Jenny Han, All The Boys I’ve Loved Before
  40. Today is Valentine’s Day, – or, as men like to call it, EXTORTION DAY! Jay Leno
  41. Without Valentine’s Day, February would be…well, January. Jim Gaffigan
  42. True love comes quietly without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. Erich Segal
  43. Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words. Melanie White
  44. What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. Pearl Bailey
  45. I was married by a judge. I should’ve asked for a jury. Groucho Marx
  46. A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. Tim Allen
  47. Love thy neighbor – and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier. Mae West
  48. It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes. Lucille Ball
  49. I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too – for being married so many times. Elizabeth Taylor
  50. Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce
  51. You are the cause of why my eyeglasses fog.
  52. You are the rainbow to my unicorn.
  53. Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it. Phyllis Schlafly
  54. The only bubble in the flat champagne of February is Valentine’s Day. Tom Robbins
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