20 Quotes from the Stand Up Comedian, Whitney Cummings | Leverage Ambition

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I don’t want to look at myself ever. All I see is that my face is a problem. It’s asymmetrical. I get terrible bags under my eyes.

I remember my agent at ICM at the beginning of my career telling me that I wasn’t pretty enough, that I was always going to be a quirky sidekick. And he was an ogre of a man. He should have been carrying a torch. If he was in a bar, he couldn’t come near me, and then he was deciding my fate.

I guess the verdict is in – I am not a sociopath. It’s not effective or productive not to be nice. It would undermine the goals I want to achieve on any given day.

Saying women aren’t funny is now like saying Asians can’t drive or saying black people have bad credit. It’s just really, like, so obselete.

I don’t think that women necessarily write like women. I was a writer on the Comedy Central Roasts for a while, and I always wrote the jokes that people assumed the men would write.

I feel like, in a lot of shows where the woman is in charge, the woman is this ball buster and the guy is sort of weak and spineless. And that’s never been my experience in a relationship. I think it’s much more interesting that the guy is the boss. And there are stakes.

I think that we’re in a really amazing time, where there are really a lot of really fantastic female actresses and comedians. I imagine there’s just a lot of opportunity for women to have powerful roles. Or it’s just that there’s more women writing TV. Women tend to maybe write strong women.

Comedians are obsessed with justice and the truth.

In the entertainment industry, there is this fear of getting older, because we have high definition television now, and you can see things that the human eye can’t even pick up. But the good thing about standup is that the older you get, the funnier you get.

Stand-up. It’s the only place I’m comfortable.

I’m the one who’s dating the craft service guy instead of the producer. Plus, if a producer is going to date a hot young thing, I’m probably not the first person on their list – the weird, quirky, funny girl.

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I’ve been making fun of Donald Trump – we all have – for 10 years and just bringing up his name, I mean even if you’re supportive of Donald Trump, there’s still a lot to make fun of.

I was joking the other day about how my real life feels like a TV show, and my TV life feels real because, to be on Thursday nights on NBC, which is what I grew up with, has been such a big part of inspiring me. To be part of that tradition is really completely surreal, and I’m so grateful.

For writing stand up, I have to have a little bit of anger and frustration to be motivated to do it. Stand up for me comes from kind of a hostile engine.

There was a time in L.A. when I drove to 7-Eleven to go grocery shopping, and I locked my keys in my car which wasn’t insured. My wallet was in there, and I couldn’t call AAA because I only had $7 in my bank account. It was one of those moments where I was like, OK I literally have nothing right now.

For me, my body image struggle started very young. All that I heard from my mother, my aunts, and my moms friends was, I gotta lose five pounds. Ar 5 years old, I learned a size 2 is not thin enough. It was, Don’t eat carbs! Don’t eat sugar! Drink Diet Coke! You always diet! So that was ingrained in my brain at a very early age.

I’m kind of emotionally dyslexic, and when I feel vulnerable or nervous, I laugh.

I did some pretty embarrassing modeling, like catalogs and QVC. I know there’s probably a stereotype where all pretty girls think they’re unattractive, but modeling is the worst thing for your self esteem, because you’re never pretty enough, you’re never thin enough.

After school, I’d wait for someone to pick me up and no one would, so L’d be like, I guess I’ll walk home. I had to be a hustler, because nobody did anything for me.

I am excited to show people how, when you get older, you get deeper, you get more raw, you get more honest, and you stop pretending to be the person you think people want you to be. I stopped worrying about what people wanted me to say and just sort of dug deep into my personal arsenal of my mistakes and shameful thoughts.

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