33 Funny Quotes by Famous Comedians

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx

What’s another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. Rodney Dangerfield

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Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henny Youngman

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. W. C. Fields

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. Mitch Hedberg

I’m cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally. Dave Chapelle

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world. Robin Williams

In the land of the skunks, he who has half a nose is king. Chris Farley

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are teh party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it. P. J. O’Rourke

You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old. George Burns

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chnace. Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. Grapes: The Fruit of Hope. Demetri Martin

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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present. Joan Rivers

I used to work with autistic children, and they said a lot of funny things to me. James Acaster

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin

You can’t fix stupid. Ron White

If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Jack Benny

I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done. Lucille Ball

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. Milton Berle

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought I must put a roof on this toilet. Les Dawson

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It;s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down. Bob Newhart

A man is only as faithful as his options. Chris Rock

There are never enough I Love You’s. Lenny Bruce

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. Spike Milligan

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. Phyllis Diller

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. Wendy Liebman

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. Lewis Black

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres

A dog is the only thing earth that loves you more than you love yourself. Josh Billings

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