According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right?

The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.

Filling out a credit card application, my friend came upon this question: What is your source of income. She wrote: ATM.

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. Mitch Hedberg

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones, that’s why it’s called a cell phone.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

The broccoli says I look like a small tree. The mushrooms says I look like an umbrella. The walnut says I look like a brain. And the banana says, can we please just change the subject?

Patience: what you have when there are too many witnesses.

Photo by Maddie Franz on

I hate it when people are at your house and ask, do you have a bathroom? No, we pee in the sink.

I’m sorry and my bad mean the same thing, unless you are at a funeral.

If you’re arguing with a woman and she says wow, run.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

When you just want to do it, but not really.

My room is not messy, it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.

You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying, I just find it funny how because there’s a 99% chance she did not find it funny.

I’m not short, I’m just more down to earth than other people.

Having one child makes you a parent, having two you are a referee. David Frost

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life. If I die next Thursday.

A banana is 105 calories. A glass of prosecco is 80. Choose wisely.

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say nothing, it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

The sad moment you lose a chip in the dip so you send in a recon chip and that breaks too.

Photo by capri23auto on

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

My brain crunches but my stomach auto-corrected it to cupcakes.

I’m not superstitious but I am a little sticious. Michael Scott, The Office

Some days I amaze myself. Other days I look for my phone while I’m talking on it.

Your secrets are safe with me. I wasn’t even listening. If you don’t like me, remember its mind over matter. I don’t mind and you don’t matter.

I’m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone.

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level then beat you experience.

The trick is to not let people know how really weird you are until it’s too late for them to back out.

Internet, please let me sleep, I like sleep.

Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese. Luis Bunuel

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. Will Ferrell

My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.

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